Dont' Know What We've Got
by Nicole1
Summary: John and Rodney FRIENDSHIP story. John and Rodney go on a mission that goes horribly wrong of course. Angst, drama, friendship, and ?death? all ensue. You'll have to read to find out. Please R &R. Spoilers up to Aurora NOW COMPLETE :
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Know What We've Got...**

not mine, don't sue

my first J/R friendship fic

He couldn't stop shaking and he wasn't even cold. Not in the physical sense anyway. They wouldn't leave him alone, kept asking him to eat, to talk to them, telling him it would be okay. They weren't there, what the hell did they know? He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, he wouldn'thave to think… or remember then. That's what they wanted him to do.

He knew he should talk, but his vocal cords felt frozen. His mouth didn't want to move….he felt numb inside. All the grief and pain…he couldn't feel anymore right now. He wished he could cry. It would be better than this. He was scaring the shit out of Carson and Weir. Hell, he was scaring himself.

"John please. Say something."

"He's completely unresponsive…I think it's psychological. He's uninjured Dr. Weir but it's only been five hours since we rescued him. He probably just needs more time."

"Maybe we should bring Teyla and Ronon in to see him. They might be able to get through to him. Bring him back to us."

He should answer them, but he just didn't want to. Why couldn't he just be left alone to wallow in his own self pity for awhile. Was that so much to ask.

"I'm not sure if it's a good idea. More people around him might just make him retreat into himself even further."

"What in the world could have happened to make him like this." Elizabeth sounded at a loss.

"Any sign of Rodney?"

"No, and there's only one person who can help us find him." She sat down on the corner of John's bed.

Rodney. The name reverberated in his skull like a jackhammer. His best friend. His teammate. Is this what he would want? John felt some of his self control return. He owed his friend more than this.

Sitting on a bed cowering like a baby. This was so not like him…but then again nothing was right anymore. It still all seemed unreal. No. He had to tell them what happened. It was the only way to honor his friend.

"Rodney." He whispered. Guess my voice does work after all.

"Yes." Elizabeth's voice was laced with relief. "Where's Rodney?"

He opened his eyes for the first time since being found alone on that god-forsaken shit hole. The light had the same effect as being stabbed in the head with an ice pick. He squinted and blinked furiously for several agonizing moments before he was able to tolerate the glare. When his vision focused he was surprised to see he wasn't in the infirmary after all, but in his quarters sitting on his bed. He suddenly felt a whole lot better. He almost smiled at the sight of his guitar. Almost.

He met Elizabeth's worried stare. "I'm not as screwed up as I seem. Honest." He managed to sound half normal.

Her face visibly relaxed along with Dr. Beckett's. "John I know this is a bad time to ask but….." She let her unasked question hang.

He took a deep breath that filled him with a resolve he thought he'd lost. For Rodney. "But you need to know what happened."

She nodded. "Major Lorne's team is searching for Rodney even as we speak. It would be very helpful to know the general area he might be in. How did you two get separated?"

He held up his much steadier hands effectively silencing her. "I have a lot I need to tell you. I need you to just listen." His mouth opened, then he noticed a problem. "Where are Teyla and Ronan?"

"Ummm," Beckett took a step forward. "I had them leave. I didn't think it was wise…"

"I understand but I need them here now." His voice made it clear this wasn't a request.

Elizabeth nodded once at Carson who left to contact them.

"They need to hear this." He muttered at a barely audible level.

"John, where can the search party find Rodney?" Her voice was strained.

His sad, haunted eyes suddenly found the comforter on his bed very interesting. He couldn't meet her intense stare. "Get me a map of that planet."

Elizabeth pulled a data pad from her back pocket and shoved it in his face. "That was fast."

"I'm prepared." She replied attempting to lighten the mood.

He grabbed it and within seconds highlighted a location and gave it back to her.

She blinked in surprise. Then here lips pursed and he saw her fingers turn white as her grip tightened on the pad. She'd realized the severity of the situation.

"John this can't be right. That's a crater…it's hundreds of feet deep….he can't…"

Teyla and Ronan stormed into his room. They had remarkable timing.

"It's like the Grand Canyon actually. That's the area they need to search. We have to bring him home Elizabeth." His voice was beginning to crack. Guess I'm not as numb as I thought.

"I'll inform the search team." Her composure was failing, but she wasn't about to fall apart just yet. As she walked away Sheppard was surrounded by his worried team mates.

"John." Teyla sat on his left side and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We were so very worried."

Ronon sat in a chair to his right. "They refused to let us see you. We were about to break in." he added with a savage grin on his face.

"Well I'm glad it didn't come to that." He managed a small smile for the both of them. They were all he had left now. Their strange little family was short one amazingly sarcastic, brilliant, arrogant, kind, courageous, yet cowardly scientist, and they were all feeling it.

Elizabeth returned and sat at the foot of the bed.

'Any word on Dr. McKay?" Teyla's serene voice melted his already aching heart.

"John was getting ready to fill us in on what occurred over the past five days." She looked at him. "Are you ready?"

I'll never be ready. " As ever."

The room fell into a dead silence. He could feel the tension in the room, it was so thick you could cut it with a knife. They were waiting on him. So he began the story about how he'd let the best friend he'd ever had slip away….in more ways than one.

feedback is loved and appreciated. Worth continuing or not?

thanks for reading

nicole


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_Once again thank you to my lovely beta...thanks hon. :)_

Not mine don't sue

**Spoilers are up to "Aurora" for this story.**

"Rodney!" John Sheppard turned and stomped over to where the scientist was hovering over a patch of dirt. He had one of his scanners out and was in his "genius" mode. Meaning, he hadn't heard a word the irate Colonel had been shouting at him for the past few minutes.

"Oh for Pete's sake." John mumbled belligerently under his breath. This mission sucked. The planet was hotter than Hades and it smelled funny. Yes, he knew that sounded strange, but it didn't make it any less true.

It stunk like dirty laundry. Dirty laundry that had been sitting in a moldy, damp, basement for two weeks. The whole planet gave him the creeps. What kind of a planet had an orange sky? _The kind that could give you a heat stoke in record time._ It cast an eerie tinge to everything around them. Lakes, trees, and yes, even their skin looked sickly in John's dry, wary eyes.

He scanned the tree line for about the Hundredth time that hour. The hair on the back of his neck wouldn't settle. Maybe it was just paranoia, but he felt like they were being watched.

John wiped his forehead and focused on accomplishing his immediate goal. Getting McKay's attention for more than point two seconds. A challenge on a good day.

"Rodney," he gave a good natured slap to the back of his teammates skull and felt a flicker of satisfaction when the scientist's shoulders tensed. "Got your attention now?"

McKay half turned and glared up at him through squinted blue eyes. "Do you mind?" His lips curved in a classic Rodney "I'm smarter than you" smile. "Some of us actually have work to do on missions." He waved his hand toward the rock John had been leaning on minutes before. "Please go back to your post Colonel. You're blocking my light."

If anyone else had spoken to him in that manner, he would have given them a severe verbal beating. This, however, was Rodney McKay. Sarcasm was just one of the services he offered on a daily basis. He was arrogant at times, whiny at others, and could be extremely irritating and bossy. You could always count on him to tell you exactly what he thought on any matter with no sugar coating whatsoever. John wouldn't have him any other way.

"Ladies and Gentleman the comic styling's of Dr. Rodney McKay." He dropped to one knee so he was eye level with his friend. "Don't quit your day job," he smirked.

"Very funny." McKay punched a few buttons on the data pad.

"Seriously though Rodney, I don't think it's possible to block out the light on this world. How many suns does it have again?"

McKay sighed and set his instrument down. "Three Colonel. I'm trying to work here."

"You gonna be done soon. I hate this planet," he said mostly to himself.

"I'd be finished a lot sooner if you'd stop interrupting me," McKay snapped.

"Yeah, yeah," John stood and started to walk away. He took four steps before he stopped and did an about face. "You know you're a lot more testy than normal. What's your problem Rodney?"

His friend's eyes widened but he said nothing.

"I'm serious. You've been extra snappy since we got here. Something bothering you?"

McKay pursed his lips and stared anywhere but at John. _Okay, I'll take that as a yes_. Things had been a little strained between them since Sheppard had told Rodney he had to earn his trust back.

John regretted it now, but was too stubborn and proud to admit it. Those were qualities he and Rodney both shared. It tended to cause a lot of things to go unsaid between them. A festering wound only got worse, and this one was a fountain of infection.

He had let it get bad. All John could do was hope it wasn't too late. Rodney wasn't the easiest person to get to know, but John had found he was worth it. He had a feeling there had been a lot of lonely periods in his friends life. McKay always seemed surprised when he asked him to lunch or when he dropped by his lab for a friendly little chat. To think someone had never had the simple pleasure of friendship was a thought that made his heart heavy.

Then he'd gone and put a kink in that relationship. True, McKay had screwed up…big time, but he'd apologized and realized what a jackass he'd been.

McKay had apologized.

There was a time when he wouldn't have thought it possible. Rodney never ceased to surprise him. He should have accepted it. That's what friends did. He just didn't know how to tell him they were okay now.

He trusted him.

How did one bring that up? John had already passed up on a hell of an opportunity when Rodney had saved his behind again by coming after him in the virtual environment. Gotten John out of his cell and given him a wake up call. Had he thanked him…nope. Rodney had been trying like hell to fix things. The problem was John had been too hurt to acknowledge it.

Something he would never admit to anyone was why he had been so mad after the "incident." It wasn't just that Rodney had blown up a solar system. It was that for a few moments, John had actually thought Rodney was going to stay and let himself be blown up right along with it.

That was the day he'd realized how much he'd grown to rely and depend on their ever growing friendship, and it had scared the crap out of him. John had never thought he'd let anyone get this close again. He'd lost too many friends to the battle field. Now he was losing another, but by his own doing.

It was time to stop being afraid and start mending this wound.

"Rodney look…"

"Colonel I'm sorry if you feel I've been **ruder** than normal. But, I really need to finish my analysis so we can figure out if a Zed Pm is on this planet. Besides, I don't want to make any more mistakes." Something flickered behind his friend's eyes, pain maybe, it disappeared before John could be sure. "You're not the only one who's tired of this place," his gaze was piercing.

Rodney turned back to his work and began ignoring John again. _Oh yeah. Festering_.

"Okay that's it we need to…."

His radio crackled to life. _Perfect._ "Colonel Sheppard."

"Go ahead Teyla," John shrugged at McKay who had risen, and was standing in front of him. The two other members of his team had been investigating another "strange" reading two miles from them.

"I believe we may have a…..situation."

His eyes locked with Rodney's and he saw the apprehension he was feeling reflected back at him.

The hairs on his neck were working overtime now. "What type of situation?"

**end chapter two**

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed it really means a lot. Hope this chapter wasn't a dissapointment.

feedback is loved and adored. :)


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry it took so long guys. Three fics going at once is...interesting. But here we go..._

**Chapter Three**

**not mine, don't sue**

**Thank you to my lovely beta as always. :)**

"A ship." John let out the breath he'd been holding. "Well….that doesn't sound so bad."

"Actually," Rodney huffed. "Whether it's good or bad depends on who's on board now doesn't it. Wouldn't want a Wraith sneaking up on us….sucking the life out of us." McKay rubbed his chin. "Don't want to be losing these boyish good looks anytime soon." He flashed John a teasing smile.

John couldn't help but smile back. Their banter was familiar and friendly. It was a much needed change from the tension moments before.

"I don't think you have to worry about that Rodney…..they're already gone." John cut off any smart ass comeback with, "Teyla more details. Do you recognize the vessel? Anyone we know?"

He heard McKay mumble something about "nasty life suckers." "Someone friendly we hope." John cocked his head and mouthed. "Happy now?"

"We'll see." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest.

"I am sorry Colonel. I do not recognize the ships configuration. Ronon however believes that only one person was on board." There was a short pause while Teyla conferred with Ronan before the radio crackled to life again. "The bad news is Ronan also feels this person is a threat."

"I knew it." Rodney threw his hands up in the air.

"Hush Rodney. You can whine later. Explain?" He barked into the radio.

Ronon Dex's deep voice came through the device. "I took the liberty of searching the inside of the ship."

"Oh did you." John's voice held a note of annoyance.

"Yes. I felt it was necessary. "

"Was it unlocked..or did you just kick down the door and…."

"Actually Doctor I just shot the locking mechanism off the door. There was no kicking involved."

"Oh well, then it's alright. I'm sure if you just explain to the nice alien that you shot it off….he'll walk away and be just fine with you trashing his ship!"

"Down boy," John whispered. "McKay's right." John felt a flicker of hurt at Rodney's surprised expression. Were they that bad off that McKay was shocked that he would agree with him? Trouble just had to pop up at the worst moments. Like when you were trying to mend a crumbling relationship with a good friend.

"We'll discuss this later….right now I need to know what you found out."

Ronon proceeded to tell them the delightful news that the ship was loaded with enough arsenal to start a war. If that wasn't enough….a large chunk was missing. Meaning the owner had them on him or her person. The tracks led away from the ship…in their general direction.

"You think our visitor is investigating the same readings as McKay and me?"

"I would say that is a likely assumption Colonel." Teyla sounded worried.

McKay sighed drawing John's attention. "I agree with Teyla. There's nothing else of value on this planet as far as Atlantis's sensors could tell. We came here because of the energy emitting from this area, I'd say so did our friend."

John nodded his agreement. "Naturally. Okay here's how were gonna handle this. I don't like being ambushed. Whether this man….or woman is alone or not…they have the advantage. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they aren't showing up on our sensors."

"No. I'm only picking up four life signs in a…" Rodney squinted at the pad, "Five mile radius. So unless he's not coming to us….?"

"Great. " His feelings of being watched had increased ten fold now. "So what we need to do is regroup. We'll meet back at the Stargate in." John glanced at his watch. "Say thirty minutes."

"Agreed." Teyla replied.

"Stay sharp guys. Let's maintain radio silence unless it's an emergency."

"Understood Colonel. Teyla out."

"Well," John smiled grimly and checked to make sure his P-90 was fully loaded. " Guess we get to get off this planet now after all."

"Very funny. Just let me get my gear. "

"Hurry it up. I want to get out of the open. Were sitting ducks here Rodney."

"I know, I know." Rodney bent down to reach for his pack.

John eyes darted to the tree line again. They were in the perfect place to be caught off guard. Life had a way of being ironic.

No sooner had that thought entered his mind when he felt a stabbing pain collide with his right shoulder. "Shit." He grunted while he felt his knees slam into the ground. Pain radiated from the wound all the way to his toes. _What the hell hit me?_

Blackness swam into his vision…he tried to warn McKay but his voice seemed to have run away with his muscle strength.

_So this is what being helpless feels like._

John had almost lost himself to the pain and darkness when a panicked, familiar voice started yelling in his right ear.

"John. You have to get up. We have to move…_now_." John focused on that voice and crawled back up to awareness. He forced his eyes to open and was relieved to see his friend staring back at him with worry filled blue eyes.

Rodney crawled to his left side, ducking the volley of white energy that was now flying over their heads. How had they gotten behind this rock? _Jesus how out was I?_

McKay must have dragged him over here, avoiding the weapons fire and keeping them both alive. John cleared his parched throat. "Good job Rodney."

A small nod. "Are you back with me now?"

" I think so. What the hell happened?"

"You tell me. One moment I was putting my supplies away the next you collapsed on the ground writhing in pain." He looked away for a second. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Yeah….I got hit…. I think."

"I guessed as much. I can't find any external wound though. No blood." He pointed towards John's shoulder. "You seemed to be protective of that spot., but when I looked, there was nothing."

"That's where I got hit." John probed the area…nothing. "That's strange."

The fire started up again. "But I guess we can solve that mystery later," John rolled his tense shoulders backward a few times. "It's better now….really." He added at Rodney's skeptical glare.

"You armed?" John decided it was time to go on the offensive.

"Of course." Rodney waved his 9mm in the air.

John nodded. He went to contact Ronon and Teyla and noticed one other big problem besides the weapon's fire over their heads. "My radio's missing."

Rodney searched himself and blanched. "I left mine on my pack. Yours must have fallen off when I was dragging you." Rodney leaned his head against the rock. "That's me….Mr. Screw-up."

John placed a hand on his friends hunched shoulders. "You did great Rodney. We'll just head for the Stargate like we planned. They'll be waiting for us there."

"Right." He sat up and held his gun at the ready.

"Okay we need to reach that tree line. It'll give us the cover we need. I'm going to toss this." He held up a grenade. "When it goes off we take off like a bat out of hell in that direction." John pointed.

"Got it."

"Okay on three. One….two…three." John pulled the pin and flung the grenade in the direction of the fire.

_end chapter three_

What did you think? Feedback is loved. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Stargate Atlantis not mine, don't sue**

_A/N Thanks as always to my wonderful beta. You are adored. :)_

Hope you enjoy!

The explosion came a few seconds later sending chunks of dirt and other debris soaring into the air. John grabbed Rodney's arm and they took off towards the tree line, hidden by the dust and smoke they made it over halfway to the forest before their new found friend started firing at them again. Fortunately, their aim seemed to a little off. _Blinded perhaps by few nice chunks of rock to the face_.

John almost smiled at the thought, until a white blast cut through the tree to his right, as they dove behind a large patch of flowering bushes. His shoulder still ached from the last time that bastard had shot him. He was not looking for a repeat of that anytime soon.

They hid behind the plant life, hoping to catch a glimpse of their attacker. John could hear Rodney's ragged breaths as his friend tried to calibrate the Ancient scanning device to detect the shooter. The red flowers kept tickling John's nose as he leaned into the bush further, waiting for even the slightest movement in front of them. This was a shoot first ask questions later kinda situation. He felt the beginning's of a sneeze coming on, John pinched his nose shut and tried to ignore the exasperated look his team mate gave him.

"What?" John mouthed, barely glancing away from the area he felt hid their tormentor.

"Did I say anything?" Rodney whispered and then went back to his device.

"Got anything yet?"

"If I did, don't you think I'd tell you?"

"Right. Sorry." John did a mental inventory. _No radios, but we've got weapons, water, and some energy bars_. John patted his pockets and vest. _Only one extra clip of ammo, gotta make every shot count._

"Rodney you have any extra clips?"

He watched McKay go through the same process of searching himself. Rodney produced one extra for his 9mm.

"That's better than nothing. Look I don't think he's going to show himself..."

"So we've decided this person is a "_he_" now?" McKay smirked as he pushed another combination of buttons.

"Let's just say, I 'm sick of thinking of him as an "it" or "person." So it's he for now, until proven otherwise."

"Got it. You know statistically speaking it's probably a man. Men are more likely..." Rodney trailed off at John's "Shut-up" face.

"Now as I was trying to say, I don't think he's going to show himself. Going to retrieve our things is a lost cause. He'll take us out before we take three steps out there."

"Back to the gate then." Rodney guessed.

"Yep. We'll meet up with Ronon and Teyla." McKay started to back out of the large bush. John grabbed his arm, "Listen, stay alert and keep your gun out. I don't want you two feet from me understand."

Rodney nodded and waited until John had stepped out of their shelter before following suit. John's adrenaline was working on overtime, holding position there may not have been the smartest move. Now the son-of-a bitch could be anywhere, he'd given their attacker time to stage another ambush. _Real smart Colonel_. John signaled for Rodney to follow as he started off in the direction of the gate. _Thank god for compasses_.

John couldn't help the surge of pride at Rodney's behavior. He was alert, keeping quiet, and ready to fire at a moments notice. He had been paying attention during those training sessions. _My little geek has come a long way._

"I don't think there was a Zed pm anyway. The energy reading's weren't matching up. At first I thought it was that it was buried deep underground, but then I realized the numbers still wouldn't have matched up." McKay grumbled from behind him.

"I spoke to soon." Sheppard mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing." John heard a branch breaking, his weapon was aimed and his finger on the trigger in the time it took to blink. He saw Rodney take aim from the corner of his eye.

Two tense moments went by before a squirrel like animal darted out from behind a rock eliciting a small, relieved laugh from both men.

"Damn animals." John glanced at his friend.

"Yes, that one reminded me of my cat. She was always doing that...hiding in the strangest places and deciding to emerge at the most inopportune times you know?"

"I never had a cat. I was always more a dog person myself."

"I had a dog once." Rodney seemed to go somewhere else for a second. "I'm rambling, never mind."

John sized up his team mate. The increased rate of breathing, rapid blinking, and his fingers clenching and unclenching on the handle of his gun. All classic signs that Rodney was uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. He got like that a lot. Personal factoids were far and few between. Rodney would talk you to death about his latest idea or project, but anything about his private life was like pulling teeth.

John knew he should probably let it go. That didn't mean he would.

"What was your dog's name?" Sheppard asked while starting their slow, cautious approach forward again.

To his credit, McKay was less than two feet away within moments. There was a loud sigh. "Shouldn't we be doing less talking and more paying attention to what's around us. Like say...murderous aliens hell bent on killing us and searching our dead, rotting bodies for an item that never was even on this planet."

John smiled. It was usually him telling Rodney to keep quiet. "There's only one alien, and hey, that's a good theory."

"Oh thank you. I'm so glad you found me to useful for something other than-"

"I find you very useful Rodney." John spun around and almost collided with a seriously surprised scientist's face. John squeezed Rodney's shoulder and was delighted to see a lot of the tension melt off his friends face. _Maybe we are making some headway despite ourselves_. They had to start somewhere, now was as good a time as any. Too bad his attention had to be focused on keeping them from getting shot rather than using this time to talk.

He could do both.

Sorta.

"That makes sense though. He most likely searched the site we were examining, didn't find what he was looking for, and assumed we took it already. Brilliant McKay."

Rodney beamed. "Well of course it is, it was my idea after all?"

John raised and eyebrow and swatted Rodney on the arm. He gestured forward with his gun and quickened their pace. That was most likely why they hadn't been attacked again yet. The jerk had been ransacking their stuff they had been forced to leave behind. Nothing really useful strategically wise, but they couldn't replace some of those thingamajigs McKay had brought along. Good thing there were plenty more at Atlantis.

They walked in alert, but comfortable silence for the next few minutes.

"You never answered my question Rodney?" John broke the silence, but kept his voice low.

"What question?" Rodney had never been a good liar.

John half turned and met his friends seemingly innocent stare, John didn't blink until Rodney crumbled under his intense gaze. "Fine," McKay huffed, "His name was Frodo. Happy now?"

John couldn't stop the huge grin that erupted on his face. "Really?"

"What you think I'd make that up?"

"No. That's cool McKay. I didn't know you were a Lord of The Rings Fan."

He heard the rumple of fabric as Rodney shrugged. "Mystery solved then."

John nodded, "Me too. I even saw all three of the movies."

"Really?"

"Yep."

They traveled a few more feet, negotiating a few fallen trees, and fighting their way up a rocky, slope. Both were breathing a little more heavily after reaching the top.

John took a sip of his water and he noticed Rodney doing the same. Sheppard wiped his brow with the sleeve of his uniform. "Ready?"

McKay took one last sip before reattaching his canteen and starting forward.

"This damn sun." Rodney shot him a slight glare. "Sorry, these damn suns are a killer. I feel like we've walked a lot longer than ten minutes."

"You won't get any arguments from me Colonel."

"There's a first."

"Funny." Rodney was trying to hide a grin.

"So," John pressed on, "What happened to Frodo?"

A few seconds of silence again. "He got out."

John didn't need further explanation. Rodney's tone told the whole sad story on it's own. "I'm sorry. It's always hard, animals become like family."

His friend cleared his throat several times. "Well that was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

_Sure it does_. John forced his mouth to keep still. It was amazing he'd gotten Rodney to spill that much. He didn't want to push him too hard, especially after recent events.

Then McKay surprised him yet again. "My dad told me it was my fault. I left the door cracked. I loved that dog, he was my only friend. Then I paid him back my going and letting him down." Rodney's voice got quieter with each word, but John heard every one. He hadn't even realized they'd stopped walking.

They stood facing each other, hidden behind two large, orange tinged trees. The suns were partially blocked by the massive trunks so John could clearly see the redness that had crept up his friends cheeks.

"What am I talking about. I'm sorry, just ignore me. I think the heat's getting to me." He waved his hands dramatically and plastered on a fake smile.

"Rodney."

His friend stared at the collar of his shirt. It would have to do. "You're Dad was wrong. It wasn't your fault Frodo died. You didn't let him down." He touched Rodney's tense arm, "And he wasn't the only one who was wrong."

Rodney's sad, blue eyes were unusually bright when he met John's gaze. He swallowed, and tried to appear okay. "Umm, well, we should get to the gate."

"Yeah." John broke eye contact and released a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding. "We should get there in about ten minutes or so."

Rodney nodded but seemed to be having trouble looking at him. That was okay with the Colonel. He was a little embarrassed himself. Some things were worth the embarrassment. This had been one of them. Rodney sucked at sharing emotions, and John wasn't much better, but they managed.

After a few feet things felt normal again. Rodney had started griping about the uneven ground ruining his posture or something like that. John was just happy to listen.

Rodney fell silent again for a short time. When he spoke his tone was full of vulnerability. "John."

John had only heard his friend use that tone one other time. Right before he'd stepped on that fancy elevator and let the doors close, pretty much severing part of the deep bond they'd formed. Not to mention that he'd never called him John before.

John turned with a lump the size of a golf ball lodged in his throat and met his friends still moist eyes.

Rodney opened his mouth to speak but he never got to start the thought.

A burst of white light passed John's other shoulder by millimeters and collided with his team mates stomach. Rodney wrapped his arms around his injured stomach as his face contorted in pain and he dropped to his knees gasping, panting, and shaking.

John spun and fired at the bushes now in front of him, he was rewarded by a grunt of pain followed by cursing. _Yep, definitely a man_.

He didn't waste anytime, there were sitting ducks yet again. John grabbed Rodney under his arms and dragged him further into the woods again. John tried not to think but one thought kept running around in his mind, it just wouldn't go away.

_This is all my fault. I wasn't paying attention._

John pushed that painful idea away and focused. He had to get them hidden and far away from Mr. Trigger Happy. Unfortunately, that meant keeping some distance from the Stargate. Which was most likely exactly what their attacker wanted.

After a few energy draining, helpless minutes he struck gold. John stumbled upon a small cave, literally. The entrance had been covered by an overgrowth of a large vine like plant that hung down from the top of the cave. It had formed a door of sorts which John had almost fallen through when he attempted to lean on it , while catching his breath.

"Looks like our luck is changing Rodney." He pulled back the vines and dragged Rodney inside and laid him gently on the ground, placing his jacket behind his friends neck.

The vines had fallen back into place, they should be safe for the moment. He would never have found this cavern if not for his mishap. The lighting was dim, but the plant allowed enough through for him to tend to his still trembling friend. "Damn, no wonder I scared you." John whispered as he touched Rodney's brow. "If you're trying to get back at me, consider it done. You're scaring the shit out of me now."

John made a silent oath to himself as he held his friends still shaking hand and told him it was okay, they were safe, that the pain would pass.

_Never again, no matter what I will protect him with my life. Even if I have to make him resent me again to do it._

**end chapter four**

Well...? Comments and feedback are love. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

I don't own stargate atlantis. Don't sue.

_A/N: Sorry it's taken so long everyone. I've been sick...still am actually so I'm a tad behind in my writing. Hope you enjoy. Thanks to my lovely beta as always. :)_

Five hundred. That was the number of weak breaths John Sheppard had counted Rodney take before his friend finally opened his eyes.

Twenty. The amount of minutes that John had been sitting on the hard, jagged floor holding this friends trembling hand, praying for him to wake up. Telling himself that Rodney would be fine...John had been after all. Then the doubts had crept in, whispering all the things he didn't want to think about. _But you got hit in the shoulder John? What if the hit to Rodney's stomach did more damage? What if it hurt Rodney's heart. What if the blast that hit Rodney was stronger?_ That's when he had decided it was time to count. It got his mind to shut up at the very least.

He had been about at the end of his rope when Rodney's limp fingers had abruptly tightened around his and his eyelids had begun to flutter.

"Hey there buddy? How are you feeling?"

Rodney blinked at him and looked around the dim area, his forehead pinched in pain. "What...oh that's right. I remember." He closed his eyes for a few seconds and took several deep breaths. "So I guess we didn't make it to the Stargate?"

"Nope. But we will." John tried to sound encouraging. He gave his team mate one last squeeze before releasing his death grip on Rodney's hand to grab a canteen.

John supported Rodney's still tense lower back and lifted the water to his friends dry lips. Rodney took several sips and smiled a thank you as John set the canteen back on the ground.

"So." Rodney started.

"So." John shot back.

"Another life threatening situation for us to laugh about later."

John felt some of his anxieties of the past thirty or so minutes fade to the background. Some. " I'd give that a yep." John patted Rodney's back and took a drink himself.

Rodney groaned and rubbed his neck, he had managed to move to a sitting position and was struggling to get more comfortable.

"Comfy." John quipped as his friend quieted down and settled for sitting Indian style on the rocky ground.

"Oh yes. My bed in Atlantis has nothing on this. I love sitting on top of pointy rocks."

"I'll remember that next time we forget to bring enough sleeping bags on a mission." John let out a small giggle at Rodney's expression.

"I'm just kidding McKay. We could share."

Rodney grimaced in a "I just kissed my mother" face. " I'll take my chances with the rocks."

"I'm wounded. Really." John flashed the puppy dog eyes that had melted many individual hearts. Including his parents.

Alas, Rodney was immune. " Save it for one of your groupies Colonel."

They both laughed at that one.

"So you up to getting home?"

"If it means not getting shot again, I'm up for it."

John flinched. He knew it was only meant as a joke, but it felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Rodney noticed.

"Colonel I didn't mean-"

"Don't worry about it."

Sometimes this scientist could be too smart for his own good. "You are." Rodney crossed his arms and had the look of a man ready to stand up to a firing squad.

Not now. John just couldn't get into this now. The guilt and pain were still too raw, and he hadn't gotten them out of the frying pan yet. So he did the only thing he could think of to get Rodney off his back. He was a complete asshole.

"Look Rodney I think we've talked enough for now. That's what got us into trouble in the first place," John snapped. "Excuse me if I'm reluctant to get into another heart to heart right now." John hated himself the moment the words tumbled from his mouth. He didn't mean any of it - hell he wasn't even upset with Rodney.

That shut his friend up faster than the threat of imminent death ever could. John saw all the progress they had made in mending their strained friendship dissolve in seconds through the pain and hurt in Rodney's eyes. _Good job, get him to open up and when he does throw it in his face. You're such a jerk John._

John told himself it didn't matter if Rodney was angry with him. It would make it easier to make sure he kept him safe this time. An angry McKay was a more quiet and more obedient McKay. It was all crap, but it's what he kept telling himself. He would just apologize and fix it later, there was always later. The most important thing was protecting Rodney.

The sound of branches snapping under someone's foot drew his attention away from his friends intense, sad stare.

John readied his weapon and whispered, "We'll talk later."

"No we won't," was the curt reply as Rodney tested his probably still semi-weak and tingling legs.

John swallowed back his emotions. "Can you walk?"

The scientist stood somewhat steadily to full height and glowered down at him. "If you're worried about me slowing you down, or screwing up again, don't I'll be just fine. I don't need your help."

John heard all the things his friend had and hadn't said._ Shit. He thinks I blame him_. The words "_I blame me, not you. I'm angry at myself for failing you_." were on the tip of his tongue, but their hunter was getting closer.

He bit back any reply and inched closer to the thin wall of vines shielding them from their attackers view. He was roughly two feet away from the exit when the shadow of their foe passed in front of him. The man hadn't even paused, the footsteps continued in the opposite direction fading with every step until John could no longer hear them.

He released a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding. John turned and motioned his team mate up alongside him.

Rodney looked pale, but seemed to be walking alright. His friend was holding his stomach with his free hand rather protectively though.

"You sure you're okay," John whispered.

If looks could kill. John shook his head slightly but refrained from taking the bait. "Let's head out."

Well John. He thought while creeping out of the cave. John held open the door of vines until Rodney cleared the exit. _You may still get Rodney safely off this planet, but you may have already lost him._ John swallowed the bile lacing his tight throat. Rodney wouldn't meet his gaze as he instructed him to say close and follow his lead. He expected his friend to make some smart ass remark about his plan, but Rodney said nothing. _I just told him were going to take an indirect route to the gate and he's got nothing to say about it?_

"Do you understand McKay?"

"Whatever you say Colonel," Rodney's voice was tense and angry.

_Yep, it was going to be a long walk back to the gate._

end chapter five

feedback is loved and adored :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

as usual not mine don't sue

**_thanks to my beta as always :)_**

**Warning angst ahead. You have been warned**

Who knew silence could be so deafening, especially the uncomfortable kind. Thirty-three minutes of silence to be exact. Rodney hadn't spoken a word, it was probably a record of some kind, sadly it wasn't a record John ever wanted to try to break again. He had been trying to work up the nerve to say something to fix this, anything, but he was at a loss. Hell, he deserved his friends anger.

The only good thing was that they were heading towards the Stargate, albeit in a roundabout way. John had figured that the most direct path was pure stupidity at this point. The smart move was to take a route that would lead them to the gate and also keep them away from their stalker. True, he might try and ambush them at the gate, but John was anticipating that, so he'd handle it when they got there.

They were basically following a huge, deep, ravine around the forest which led right to the foot of the Stargate. It was an easy landmark, so there was no way they'd get lost. The downfall was if they slipped, they were pretty much screwed. John kept them a good two feet from the edge at all times and made sure he was in the lead to pick up on any possible weaknesses in the ground. A crumbling ledge was certain death as well.

You'd think Rodney would be in sarcasm heaven with all of this crap to whine about, but his friend had said nothing. He simply followed, less than a few steps behind John, and remained eerily silent.

John couldn't remember a time he'd felt more alone. He had to fix this no matter what, once they got back he'd have plenty of time. They'd have another "heart to heart" if he had to drag the words out of McKay. Yep, he'd fix this once they got back to Atlantis.

John had been keeping a safe distance from the ledge but after ten more minutes of head splitting silence his curiosity got the better of him. He inched closer to the edge of deep canyon and sneaked a peak over the side.

"Damn Rodney. It's deeper than the Grand Canyon and much cooler looking! Wow! What do you think could have made something like this?"

It stretched for miles, the edges were jagged and sharp. It was as if someone had taken an ice cream scoop and spooned out a chunk of earth.

It was so awe inspiring he forgot momentarily that he and Rodney weren't speaking. John squinted against the harsh sun light and struggled to see the bottom as he absently waved for McKay to come closer.

Rodney's soft, unsure footsteps approached from behind, stopping inches from his back. John could feel his friends eyes boring holes into the back of his head. _Oh yeah, that's right_.

John sighed and turned to face his friends surprisingly sad and wary stare.

"Rodney would you say something already?"

Rodney spoke to him all right, John just didn't like what he heard.

"Why did you pick me for this team?"

John felt his jaw drop, of all the things he expected, this was not one of them.

"What?" John managed.

"Why John?" His friends voice was beyond tired. He sounded defeated...no lost.

_I picked you because you're the most brilliant man I've ever met, you're brave despite yourself. Most importantly you're the perfect compliment for me and the team._ He would have said all of that if Rodney had given him a moment to spit it out.

"Never mind. I don't think I want to know. Someone probably ordered you to do it. Look, I want to get this off my chest ...and I wanted you to be the first to know. You deserve that much." His hands were fidgeting with the zipper on his jacket and he kept biting his lower lip, "I've decided to resign from my position on this team I think it's the best for all involved, you especially. It makes no sense, I cause more trouble than anything else. I'll inform Elizabeth when we get back." By the time he finished he was sweating even more and appeared breathless. Rodney hadn't taken a breath in between sentences, it was as if he were scared to give John a chance to interrupt.

John stood near the ledge swallowing the bile in his tight throat. He was desperately trying to think of the right words to say to make this right. Anything to make Rodney see how wrong he was about all of this. _How the hell did I screw things up this much?_ All he managed to do was whisper his friends name. "Rodney."

"Don't. I need to relieve myself." He tried to smile. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

John watched Rodney disappear into the trees. This couldn't be happening. _No, I won't let this happen. Screw later._ They had to talk now, it was a conversation that was long overdue. He wouldn't allow Rodney to resign, he was irreplaceable as a teammate...and a friend. That was exactly what he was going to tell him, once he found him.

John made it to about two feet from the tree line when he felt those hairs start dancing on the back of his neck again, unfortunately it was too late.

"Looks like I finally caught up with you. Smart move taking an indirect route. Too bad I can track you wherever you go." The deep male voice came from right behind him. John heard the click of a weapon and stiffened reflexively.

Sheppard bit back every obscenity that was on the tip of his tongue and slowly turned to see the face of their stalker.

John let out a small, exasperated laugh. The son of a bitch was wearing a black, skin tight mask.

"You have the worst timing ever you know that?" John snapped.

"Sorry but business is business, you know how it is, gotta feed the family."

_Get him talking Sheppard._ "Look I'm sorry to disappoint but we don't have anything. There wasn't anything there, no ZPM, no energy source, so sorry about all the trouble you've gone through. I'm afraid it was for nothing. " John flashed him a "so there" smile.

John could see the creases of the mask turn up around the area of the hunters mouth. "That's where you are wrong. There's two energy sources on this planet, and I'm looking at the biggest one right now."

John got a sinking feeling in his gut.

"You see this little device." The man waved a small device that reminded Sheppard of a flip top cell phone. "It has been tracking you two from the moment you arrived. You an your friend are worth a lot of money to my employers."

What the hell was special about him and Rodney?

"Who are you?"

"My name is not important. What you need to know is that I'm a bounty hunter, and well you and your friend who I'm sure will be easy to catch unaware, are the bounty."

John shook his head and prayed McKay was safe and sound, maybe he could at least escape this death trap of a planet.

"You especially are going to make me a rich man. Someone with as much ability to activate that damn ancient tech. They'll pay a fortune for you at the market. You're friend not as much, but anyone with the gene will fetch a decent price."

_Of course._ He'd never thought about it before, but the ancient gene was rare, and worlds needed those with it to use any weapons, gadgets, or communication devices the Ancients may have left lying around. He'd just never anticipated a black market on human beings. _There you go again, underestimating greed_. If he got out of this, Atlantis would have to be warned. Yet another threat in the Pegasus Galaxy. If they found out about Doctor Beckett's gene therapy. John suppressed a shiver at the thought.

"I guess that's why you're weapon didn't do any permanent damage huh?"

"You are a smart boy. Don't want to be damaging the merchandise. Now if you would kindly toss me your sidearm and then get on your knees?"

Seeing no other options John tossed his weapon towards the bounty hunter and started to kneel.

"This will keep you unconscious for a few hours. Not permanent, but it will hurt like hell."

The hunter raised the gun, and fired but his shot was diverted by a certain scientist barreling into him, so it only grazed John's shoulder.

Pain still ripped through John's body but he didn't lose consciousness. He watched as Rodney wrestled with the bastard for the weapon. They were rolling on the ground dangerously close the edge.

His best friends was fighting for his life and John could do nothing but watch. Tears stung his eyes as he struggled to move, but he only succeeded in causing himself more agony getting his fingers to twitch a few times.

Then his world ended.

The ground where they were rolling on began to fracture, John could see a thin split slowly spread out until there was a loud cracking sound.

Rodney's eyes met his for a brief moment, they were filled with a quiet acceptance.

Then the ground gave way.

There were screams.

Then nothing.

John had seen it, but refused to believe it. Rodney had not just fallen off that ledge, Rodney had not just died to save a man who didn't deserve that kind of loyalty, Rodney had not just...

He didn't even know he was crying until the first silent sob racked his body. John could barely breath, and he no longer felt any pain from that alien weapon.

Some of the feeling returned to his limbs and he managed to crawl to the ledge. It didn't truly hit him until he looked down and saw nothing. Rodney was gone. No one could survive a fall like that. Despite that he screamed for his friend. Willing him to answer, praying for a miracle. He screamed until his vocal cords wouldn't work, till his throat was raw. When he couldn't scream anymore he vomited, it was laced with blood.

A small voice in his head told him it was because he'd been yelling like a mad man for probably an hour. John didn't care, at this point all he wanted to was to get away from the place where he'd lost his best friend.

He couldn't stare down that cliff anymore, so he stood on unsteady feet. The combination of dehydration, grief, and the lingering effects of that damned weapon had him in daze. He stumbled through the forest, barely aware of what he was doing, only knowing he should be heading somewhere. He just couldn't remember where.

John had no idea where he was or how long he'd been walking but he knew he couldn't go any further. His body gave out and he collapsed in exhaustion against a tree and embraced the numbness that replaced the feeling of overwhelming loss. Not feeling at all was far better than the alternative.

He pulled his legs against his chest and closed his eyes willing himself out of this nightmare.

"I'm so sorry Rodney." John whispered as he drifted into unconsciousness.

end chapter six

So should I go on:) Just kidding, i'll update as soon as I can. Hope you're all enjoying this fic.

feedback is loved.


	7. Chapter 7

_I am so sorry guys i have been quite ill for a few weeks and i am way behind on fan fic please don't shoot me :)_

Thanks so much to my beta.

Not mine don't sue

**Chapter Seven**

_Present time_

"That's where you found me." John's strained voice seemed loud in the silence that had fallen upon his listeners. He had purposely left out the grisly details of his frantic screaming and uncontrollable crying. They had no reason to know about his freak out on that damned ledge. John wasn't even sure why he had fallen apart that much. Maybe it was the combination of stress, fatigue, heat exaustion, and dehydration. Then again maybe it was the fact that he had just watched his best friend die and had been unable to do a damn thing to stop it. He had been helpless, John didn't do helpless well, never had. _WellI did let him die never knowing how much I cared about and valued his friendship.I let himdie without me ever making things right_. That thought made him feel sick all over again. John swallowed the nausea and tried not to let the pain in his teammates eyes rip his heart out all over again.

It was funny, John had had a dog once upon a time. It wasn't possible in his line of work to keep an animal now, there was just no time to give them the kind of attention they needed. John was pretty sure the military would have frowned upon bringing a dog through the Stargate to the Pegasus Galaxy, so the possibility of ever owning a dog again was quite slim. Ever since Rodney had told him about Frodo he'd started thinking about his now deceased dog Sam. _I should have told Rodney that I had a dog named Sam. Why the hell didn't I?_

The irony wasn't lost on John. Frodo and Sam had been the best of friends as well. Then John's Sam had gone and got ran over by a car, just like Rodney's pet had. John remembered holding that damned animal, telling it how much he loved him, how much he meant to him, what a good friend he'd been. John almost laughed, he had been able to tell that to a dog, but not a human being. "_But_," a little voice reminded him, "_a dog couldn't reject your sentiments_."

Now Rodney was gone, and he'd never have the chance.

Everyone had remained silent while John struggled to work things out in his mind. John finally met his friends distraught stares again. A single tear tracked down Teyla's tan skin, Ronan was gripping the bedding so tightly John thought he heard the fabric start to rip. Then there was Elizabeth struggling to keep on her "I'm in control "face. She was faltering, her eyes were bigger and brighter than normal.

John opened his mouth to speak but all words left him. He felt deflated, empty. John was finished talking, he'd let his friends make the next move.

"We'll bring him home John." Elizabeth whispered.

"Thank you," was all he could manage.

John felt more than saw Elizabeth get up and walk to the other side of the room. A small, feminine hand rested on his knee. "It was not your fault Colonel."

"Teyla I didn't-" John started.

"No. You could not have done anything."

"I wish it was that simple-"

"You what, Major Lorne are you sure?."

John and the rest of his team all turned to face the almost frantic face of Dr. Weir. She lowered her voice and spoke into a radio Dr. Becket had handed her. Her eyes got wider by the second, finally she set the radio down on a desk and turned to look at them while Carson flew out the door like a man with a mission.

"They found Rodney, John."

The pain that had receded momentarily came back full force as Sheppard pictured Rodney's body shattered and broken lying at the bottom of that crater.

"John," her voice was quivering." He's alive."

end chapter 7

feedback is loved and adored.


	8. Chapter 8

**I know you're all about to pass out at this rapid update. g I hope you enjoy.**

**Chapter Eight**

**not mine, don't sue**

_as always thanks to my beta :)_

John's boots slammed against the metal floor of the hallway as he raced toward the infirmary. He could hear the echo's of his teammates footsteps a little further behind him.

John's mind kept replaying Elizabeth's words over and over again. "He's alive"  
According to Major Lorne they had found him on a small ledge fifteen feet down, a damn piece of rock jutting out of the canyon wall had succeeded where he had failed. It had saved his friend's life.

The bounty hunter hadn't been so lucky, he'd fallen all the way down. That knowledge made John feel slightly better. John couldn't shake the feeling he had abandoned Rodney, despite Weir's assurances that from his position Rodney would have been near impossible to see. Or that since McKay was unconscious he wouldn't have heard him call out for him.

None of those excuses meant anything to John. He should have looked harder, Rodney could have bled to death from his injuries lying there...alone.

John rounded the last corner, his goal was in sight. Carson was preparing his friend for surgery. There was the possibility of internal bleeding and quite a few broken bones, not to mention one hell of a concussion. John hadn't stuck around to let Elizabeth finish her debrief, once he had know that Rodney was back on Atlantis he'd headed to the infirmary.

John had to see him before Dr. Beckett operated, he just needed to see that Rodney was alive for himself. He needed to let him know he was there, even if Rodney wasn't awake.

Sheppard barreled into the infirmary and was confronted with a very surprised Doctor and two nurses staring at him.

John slowed his breaths and walked a few steps closer to the gurney his friend was lying unmoving on.

"Colonel, you can't be here." Carson was holding up his already gloved hands in an expression of slight regret.

John met Beckett's gaze. "I need to be here...please I just need..."

A flicker of understanding passed over Carson's face.

"Ya have one minute, he's stable at the moment but I've got to sedate him shortly."

"He's awake?" John blurted.

Carson nodded. "Kind of."

John swallowed, taking five steps to bring him to Rodney's side. His friend looked like shit. White as a ghost, dark sunken in eyes, his head was bandaged at the top and dried blood had crusted on various cuts all over his face, neck, and arms. His right arm was already in a splint, probably jury-rigged by the field medic on Lorne's team.

Sheppard leaned over so his face was directly in front of McKay's. Blood shot, pain filled eyes slowly focused on him.

John took Rodney's undamaged hand and squeezed.

"You're late." Rodney's hoarse and weak voice floated into his ears.

It was the best sound John had ever heard and he smiled in response. _Even now he manages to be a smart ass._

"I'm sorry Rodney." John hoped his friend understood the deeper meaning behind his words. There was so much more to say, but no time at the moment.

"I know, me too," he squeezed John's hand, hard, and managed a smile.

_He knows._

"John." Carson's gentle voice drew his attention.

John nodded and patted his friend's cheek. He leaned in quickly and whispered, "Come back to us."

Then he backed away as the nurse placed a mask over Rodney's face and told him to count back from one-hundred. Rodney began counting but his eyes never left John until the gas took effect and his hand went limp.

Reluctantly Sheppard released his grip and quietly stepped out of the way.

Carson gave him an encouraging smile as he pulled the curtain back and went to work.

John leaned against the wall behind him and did something he hadn't done in years.

He prayed.

A soft hand rested on his tense shoulder and he jumped slightly.

"I am sorry Colonel."

John turned and for the first time noticed the rest of his team hovering behind him.

"No it's okay...how long have you two been there."

"Long enough." Teyla smiled and stared toward the operating room.

Ronon nodded at him and he gestured toward three chairs sitting off to their left.

The three teammates took their seats. John chose the seat in the middle and felt a surge of pride at their little family. They were all different as hell, half of them weren't even from the same galaxy, but it didn't matter. They were a family nonetheless, and none of them were going anywhere until they knew they were going to be whole again.

As John waited for Carson to finish he found himself realizing how lucky he was, he had been given another chance.

Damned if he'd screw it up this time. Now he just had to wait.

**end chapter 8**

feedback is loved and adored. I hope you enjoyed. :)

_A/N: I think there will be only one more chapter ( i think)_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

finally I know :)

_A/N: thanks as always to my beta and to all who have taken the time to review. I hope you enjoy this last chapter and find it a satisfying ending._

There was nothing worse than waiting. John glanced at this watch for the one-hundredth time in the past hour. Surgery couldn't be rushed, but it didn't mean he wasn't willing Carson to walk out of that operating room every second. John needed to hear those three simple words.

_He made it._

The sooner, the better. Every second felt like an eternity when someone you loved was on the line.

He rubbed his stiff neck and stood up to stretch his sore, tense muscles.

"Patience Colonel."

John gave Teyla a half-hearted smile before he slumped back into his seat.

_Come on McKay, don't quit on me now_. John closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the hard, metal wall.

The soft sound of footsteps coming towards him made his heart do a little dance as he looked up at Carson's impossible to read face.

Carson's eyes traveled over each of their anxious faces and finally came to rest on John's. "You can breath now Colonel. He pulled through."

The mood in the room shifted faster than you could blink.

"That's my geek!" John knew he'd be smiling for days. Apparently it was contagious as all of those present were grinning from ear to ear.

"Yes, our geek will be under for at least another few hours, I am ordering you all to eat and shower before I see you set foot in this infirmary again. Is that clear or will I have to unleash Elizabeth ?"

John shook his head. "That won't be necessary. We'll be back though, in one hour and fifty-nine minutes."

Carson rolled his eyes, but they all left before the Doctor could protest.

"Okay, so get moving you two. I'll see you back here in a few."

They both nodded and headed off towards their quarters.

John felt lighter than he had in days. He was still dreading the "talk" they needed to have, since they both sucked at things like that, it was likely to be awkward as hell. Filled with pauses and pointless sarcastic remarks to ease their discomfort.

He couldn't wait.

John was still smiling as he showered, ate, and even managed to rest his eyes for ten minutes before heading back towards the infirmary.

He wasn't surprised to see Teyla and Ronon coming up right behind him.

"Time?"

"It's exactly 1 hour and 59 minutes later." Ronon smirked.

"Good."

John walked in, trailed by his friends.

"We're back."

"Yes you are." Carson sighed and waved them over. "He's in there."

"He awake?"

"Yes Colonel. He's a little out of it, so go easy on him."

John put on his best "_what me_" face and nodded. He started towards his Rodney's semi-private bed and stopped. Teyla nearly fell into him, but to her credit she said nothing.

"Sorry guys. Ummm do you mind if I go in alone for a few minutes. I just need to-"

"We understand Colonel. Just let us know when you are done."

"Thanks Teyla."

She smiled and guided Ronon to a couple of chairs.

John took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing. Don't screw this up John_.

He gently pulled the white curtain back that was surrounding his friend's bed. Rodney's head slowly turned until he could see who had arrived.

McKay surprised him by smiling.

A large chunk of anxiety that John hadn't even known was lingering melted away. "Hey Rodney." John pulled the curtain shut and took a seat in the chair very conveniently placed next to his friends bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm doped up on pain killers so right now pretty damn good. Ask me again in another hour."

John chuckled. "I'll do that."

"So, sadly there's no comfortable way to say this. We need to talk, and I don't think it can wait. Hell, if I blink, we may under attack the next time I open my eyes."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Rodney shifted a little, but didn't avert his eyes.

"To bad we both suck at this huh?"

"We're men."

John laughed again. "I would miss this you know." He knew McKay would know what he meant.

"Me too. How sad is that?"

"Pretty damn sad."

John coughed, then he took a deep breath and placed his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "What's even sadder is how I've treated you lately." His friend tried to protest, John pressed on. "No, I have been a real ass McKay and you know it. Then when things are finally getting better, I go and turn into an even bigger ass on that planet. Which I have decided to code name Hell by the way."

Rodney gave him a weak smile, but stayed quiet.

"I am so damn sorry Rodney. I don't know how else to say it. I was wrong."

"You aren't the only one who screwed up."

"Yeah and then you apologized. Which was a feat all in itself."

"Look who's talking?"

John opened his mouth to protest, and then he saw the warmth in his friends eyes, and decided to let that one go.

Rodney reached up and squeezed John's arm. "So basically we are both big asses, who suck at maintaining a friendship."

John tightened his grip on Rodney's shoulder. "Yeah I guess so."

"So I guess it's a good thing we found each other then huh?"

John felt tears threatening. He hadn't lost him. "Yeah, I think its is, I mean who the hell else would put up with my shit like you do."

"And who'd put up with mine." John could have sworn Rodney's eyes were brighter than normal today.

His friend blinked a few times and then gave him a very familiar, knowing smile. "You know you're right. You really do suck at this."

"Now look who's talking."

Then they were both laughing like idiots.

"So we're good."

Rodney's face became serious. "We're good."

"Good." John smiled warmly went fix his friends pillow that had shifted during their talk.

"You're not going to hug me now are you?"

John had been considering it, not that he'd ever admit that. "Please. I don't like you that much."

Rodney allowed him to adjust his pillows.

"Ronon and Teyla are chomping at the bit to come in and see you."

"Really?"

"Of course. That's what family's do Rodney, they worry."

His friend swallowed several times. "Yeah. I forget that sometimes."

"That's why I'm here Rodney. To remind you."

"Thanks." Rodney's voice was quiet but full of emotion.

"Anytime." John whispered before calling for the rest of his team.

John couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy. He was whole again..no they were whole again.

His parents had been right. You usually don't know what you have until it's too late. Thankfully for John Sheppard, he'd been given a second...or was it a third chance.

Rodney caught his distant look and gave him a quick squeeze on his shoulder.

As he met his friends trusting eyes, he realized he didn't care.

the end :))

feedback is love i hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading. :)


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